Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
