I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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