I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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