I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
