DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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