i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
