Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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