My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
