The maid of honor just puked.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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