We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
