I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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