I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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