**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
