He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
