Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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