I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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