guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
