I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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