the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
