sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
