i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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