Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
