The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
