it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Found your dick twin last night
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
