Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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