Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
