i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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