my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
