Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
