I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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