My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
