Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
