I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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