This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
