I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
