Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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