Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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