5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
