Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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