life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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