Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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