Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
