im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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