so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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