one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
