you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
