I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
