your parents love me but you hate me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
