My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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