You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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