Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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