Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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