Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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